Since nylon.net appeared in 1894 we were waiting for the internet to appear. Our founder had more foresight than Tim Berners-Lee. In 1998 we began the parade of pulchritudinous ladies that welcome discerning visitors to our famous site.
Here you will find some of the lovely lasses who have brought you nylon.net's front page over the many years.
Click the thumbnails to see the BIG girls!
first covergirl from 1998, Bettie Page - always a good sport, and
a real devil when playing Twister around the office.
This gorgeous lass enraptured the hearts of many visitors
In 2002, we welcomed our newest recruit with the second-tallest shoes we've ever seen.
when Tempest blew in, she always caused a Storm!
And Gypsy Rose Lee certainly added a new dimension to our Friday strip poker games
And this beauty - who turned out to be a VERY undercover cop arrested the young lass, recovered the beer fridge - and arrested most of the nylon.net management for unspecified crimes against decency. Fair enough.
Lydia, O Lydia... Lydia Johnson the tattooed lady... A really strange woman.
'Erotic' comes in many different sizes and flavours, I have found.
She got quite animated on the subject of Equal Opportunity.
This pretty lass was a little confused when we asked her to wear fishnets to the photo shoot.
Our fashion designer (pictured above), was quickly sacked after THIS suggestion for a nylon.net cover, pictured below. After all, nylon.net does have some standards.
Sarah popped in for a floral arrangement, and we gave her a GOOD one!
And good ol' Sister Joan Collins came in to tell us it was 2006. Many people forget what a boppable babe she was.
And we spent a month with April - ah!
And this is May. We have NO idea what she was doing, but she did it every day, naked, and with extraordinary zeal.
May's twin sister, our September 2006 beauty, wearing true nylon.net stockings.
And this athletic young lass was very popular in the office.
Our horse trainer earned quite a lot of our money.
Gilda, our Miss January 2007, was very serious on the subject of shoes. She set a record by staying our covergirl for 10 months!
Our normal limit is 8.9 months, for obvious reasons, but Gilda refused to accept child support. For that, we love her.
Our introduction to 2008 required recovery from the liver-mutilating new year. Our first 2008 cutie was very fond of making us all a good strong cup of tea.
Our beauty of March 2008 loved rolling naked on mink.
In April 2008, Naomi Johnson stopped by to show us her lovely maiden bonnet. I took it off, and enjoyed her maiden head.
At the end of September 2008, Barbara's enticing fur was passed around the office to the delight of all.
And plain old Jayne brought 'er harp
December 2008 - We bid farewell to our first and best covergirl, Bettie Page who died 12 December aged 85.
Jane Powell neé Suzanne Lorraine Burce
Hilarity ensued when Candy Barr turned up for her index page photoshoot
Our 2009 covergirl gave a new and expensive twist to going ho ho ho at our Christmas orgy!
Feb 2010: When Jenny Ellison was hired to impose disciplinary measures at nylon.net, punishable offences amongst male staff rose by 3200%. Even our vicar reported himself for photocopying the office cat's nose without due care and attention and demanded to be punished. In the end, we had to impose a limit of 5 sackable offences per man per week, to prevent Jennifer becoming exhausted.
Meet the 'nylon.net fan club', March 2010. Sigh.
We really should make our photographic invitations a little more unambiguous from now on.
Martha offered her services as a photocopier repair technician. We had our doubts about her skills, but once we saw how well she handled our reproduction equipment, we were convinced.
One day, see, this Ava broad sashays into nylon net squad room and says she done wrong. We probed her, see? Many, many times.
She was right. She was a bad, bad girl.
Norma was hired to sing Happy Birthday to the President of nylon.net on Friday May 18, 1962.
Miss X (as she shall be known) would not let us show her outward appearance, due to her religious convictions.
Those convictions, however, did not prevent us getting to know her internally... deeply internally.
Lily, our coffee girl and part-time chief financial officer, played the lead role in nylon.net's amateur production of Breaker Morant in 2010. When it came to the dramatic firing squad scene, she took creative control.
At the nylon.net inter-office olympics, Lady G came second in the 100m Naked Skating in Sensible Shoes final. After the medal presentation, she was gracious enough to congratulate Oprah who won.
We're not exactly sure who she was, but she insisted on interrogating everyone at nylon.net. She was brutal and insatiable, and we ended up having to limit staff to just three interrogations a week, just to be fair.
When we advertised a position at nylon.net, Belinda showed us one of her own. We preferred hers.
Sister Tilly came to the nylon.net bar as a wimpled bride of Christ collecting for fallen girls.
When Flopsy Lapin was undecided whether to become a nun or a playboy model, she came for an interview at nylon.net for the position of receptionist. We let her design her own uniform.
The 1962 Annual nylon.net Dinner Dance briefly became a full-contact blood sport when someone suggested that Gilda's dancing was "dull."
Meet the nylon.net staff.
In 1925, nylon.net was struggling to stay solvent during our long wait for the internet to be invented. In the interim, notable nylon.net chairmen such as Mr. William Stanley Moore were forced to generate revenue in unorthodox ways.
Eschewing the traditional path of creating witty anachronistic biographies with Dreamweaver and Photoshop, William took nylon.net in the direction of narcotics dealership, specialising in large quantities of faked opium and cocaine. Working with well-intentioned waterfront thieves and drug traders, William led nylon.net through the roaring 20s and into our most fertile phase during the second world war.
"If there were a sweeter mug shot ever taken, I've yet to see it," said Enoch 'Nucky' Thompson, the arresting officer, on 1 May 1925.
Since the United Nations' recognition of nylon.net as an independent constitutional monarchy, our first step was to prepare for the London Olympics. Our team selection, however, took a bad turn when Ingrid was chosen to lift weights in the super-heavyweight class. Sadly, she was crushed like a twig on her first day of training.
For our 2012 'Tribute To Sabrina' page, we hired Sabrina Ferrili to appear on nylon.net's homepage. After seeing pictures of the original Sabrina's majestic physique, she ran from the camera and was never heard of again.
When Marguerite Chapman came to be interviewed for a job at nylon.net, we asked her what position she was seeking. She showed us...
Our 54th covergirl was SMOKIN'
I said to my Art Director, we need a chick... a CHICK!
When nylon.net's management found discipline in the organisation was getting lax (let's be honest - the stuff was dripping down the walls) we called in Madame Fouet Peitsche to bring some discipline to the workforce. And it worked. By God it worked...
In 1931 high court prosecutions and severe public outrage prompted a shake-up at nylon.net, and the Board of Directors was charged with finding a new head for the corporation. She eventually did.
God Dammit! We hire a new art director and give him the key to the liquor cabinet and he comes up with THIS monstrous abomination in August 2014. Needless to say, he was given to the recent covergirl, Madame Fouet Peitsche, for some urgently-needed professional therapy. His fluids are still dripping from the walls of conference room 2 and he now feels much better.
The process of firing psychopathic, alcoholic and useless employees is a daily chore at nylon.net HQ. Until we hired our new Human Resources manager who made firing a joy for both the management and the victim.
Uncle Rayon had the unenviable task of choosing nylon.net covergirls in the 1960s. I believe it was a difficult job because he kept telling me how it made him a hard man.
Great Aunt Gladys was invited to light our nylon.net headquarters' Christmas tree in 2014. It's really funny, but until that day I thought her "conviction for pyromania" referred to a dedication to baking pies. Sigh.
During the 2014 new year office party, the nylon.net general manager, Benito Siegheil, was hanging around the dancing girls. Later he was found hanging around a meat hook.
During her interview for the position of Chief Jollity Officer, Sheree said she would bend over backwards to be a good employee, which didn't impress anyone on the interview panel. We changed our minds when she bent over forwards....
You know how annoying it is when you get a haircut and the cut hair falls into your collar and annoys until your manservant bathes you?
nylon.net's resident barber cleverly solved the problem for female customers by requiring them to disrobe entirely.
One day we opened the nylon.net staff fridge and were horrified to see what was in it. I mean - it's unforgivable. Who in their right mind puts bananas into a refrigerator?
We very nearly gave this Estonian girl a job, but it turned out that she had meant to say, "I love sucking tentacles.'
Even at the end of 2015, we still are required by strict contractual obligations to publish that "The jolly chairman of nylon.net made the 1963 corporate Christmas party a festive occasion for all ages."
Judging the annual winner of the Miss Nylon Net beauty pageant was just as hard as it has always been. It takes so long for for the thirteen judges to take each of the contestants out to dinner and 'see what happens' that we've only judged up to 1965.
So, nylon.net is proud to give the latest 'Miss Nylon.Net' award to...
The favourite for the 2016 nylon.net water olympics was disqualified after it was determined that her shade of lipstick was ineligible.
Glennis, nylon.net's Manager of Stuff, said she wanted to table a motion at the weekly administrative meeting. And she did.
When we had to hire a new tea lady (after the disastrous controversy caused by the previous incumbent), we chose conservatively, and Betty proved to be a stable and maternal influence at nylon.net.
Even in a crisis, we could rely on Betty - our British tea lady - to always keep a pair of stiff upper lips.
Being a firm believer in equal opportunity employment, nylon.net does not resile from hiring female window cleaners.
In October 2016, we fondly remember Mario Pissanti, chairman of nylon.net in 1962, who valiantly insisted on using human paperweights in order to improve the country's employment statistics. Bless him.
Robyn was hired as nylon.net's Circus Entertainment Executive for February 2017, but unexpected staff changes led to her reassignment to Child Care. Sadly, her skill set remained unalterable, and she had to be dismissed.
As soon as Miss Dewey uttered her spine-tingling "Shhhhh" during her interview, we were sold.
Her professional noise-nullifation technique ensured she would become nylon.net's chief librarian - even though we only held three books, and two of those were local phone directories.
What was strange was that we had not actually advertised the position of chief librarian
But after her employment, and the announcement of the STRICT and INFLEXIBLE penalties she exacted for overdue loans, the waiting time for being punished now exceeds three years.
And our library still holds only three books.