My Sayings

First heard at

There's only way to tell if the light in the fridge really goes off when the door closes: put Schrödinger's cat in there.

During World Wars 1 and 2, people thought it was acceptable to kill any Germans. Times have changed. These days I think it's only OK to kill Germans who laugh too loudly in restaurants.

My wife drives me to drink. I have to walk back.

I enjoy non-sequiturs because cows.

My girlfriend and I argue a lot, and I think I've worked out why. I'm a Leo, and she's a psychopath.

If I referred to your spectacles, would that be an optical allusion?

Suddenly my friend thrust a large seabird into my hands. He gave me quite a tern.

I married an amplifier, but only because I hated to turn it down.

One day as I stroked my wife, I started feeling down. Finally, evidence that she was having an affair with a duck.

I scream a lot to make myself hoarse. I undress to make myself bare. I throw stones at myself to make myself duck.

For no reason, my friend became a square, flat surface with four legs. I rushed him to hospital. His condition is table.

You don't need to be mad to work here but... no. Sorry. Yes you do.

Exactly ten years ago to the day, my cow died. I know because I made a note in my dairy.

I found an photograph of the captain of the Hindenburg taken during its final descent. It was singed.

Korma: the belief that what you get out of a curry depends on what you put into it.

I heard that fewer women are getting Brasilians nowadays. Does this mean that waxing is waning?

Grammar for the 21st century...

    Infinitive: I sync my phone.
    Past tense: I sanc my phone.
    Past participle: I have sunc my phone.

I always confused etymology with entomology until the day I found myself in the Brazilian rainforest seeking specimens of adjectives.

Resident: Who is it?
Knocker: It's me.
Resident: No, it is I.
Knocker: That's what me said..